Last Saturday while riding the bus to go home I was so down that I wanted to shout and cry at the same time. I don’t know what was really bothering me. Don’t know if the pressure of work is getting to me or because things between J and I are not yet clear. I’ve always reminded myself that I should enjoy what life has to offer me but that certain afternoon I just gave away.
I got home and no one as there. I needed to talk to someone. My first concern was to ask for advice from someone regarding work. Someone who would really understand me. Without any hesitation, I sent a sms to Edward my previous store manager. Told him what I felt and I needed to talk to him. He told me to call but I didn’t have enough credit to do so. He convinced me to come to the store to talk. I wasn’t planning to go there for a while because of J but if I’ll not go this feeling of being down will continue.
While walking, I was wishing that J wouldn’t there. I didn’t want any distractions during this time. My work is important to me and I want to love it as much as possible again. But he was there. I gave everyone a faint smile. Edward knew why I looked like that, and he immediately went over to talk. He’s a good teacher, and we started getting closer when J was getting distant from me. I was relieved with the things he told me. Pressure is natural. Standing in one corner doesn’t mean you’re not doing anything, you’re actually thinking how everything will work. Then he told me, “Wag mo bigyan ng sakit ng ulo ang sarili mo, sila ang bigyan mo nun.” I realized he was right. It’s not being bossy or mean. It’s just doing their job, and you doing yours. I will run that store according to what I believe is for their protection and mine. I want to prove to myself that I can do this. I believe I can.
After talking, Edward invited me to a night out this coming Thursday with the rest of the staff. That would be a nice way to relax, and not think of my store for sometime. Some of the staff there has become my friends, and I miss them a lot. The dancing would be a good fun too! I haven’t danced for a while, and going to this night out would be exciting.
Since coming to the store and finishing the talk with Edward, J hasn’t said any hi or hello. Not until did Edward told me to say goodbye to everyone that J started to talk to me. I was down already, and seeing him like that made me sadder. I just told Edward, “Di na ko pinapansin yan eh.” If he wants it that way then I’ll let things be. I’m not that kind of person who pushes people to do something they don’t like to do. “Di ko talaga siya maintindihan!!!” I told myself. I saw Edward smiling, and I knew that he understood somehow. I tried to talk to J. I asked him how he is ,and why people are saying that he’s sad. “Okay lang ako, ok lang ako.” was all he said, and never even bother to look at me again. I felt bad, I said goodbye. He didn’t hear me, I left.
This coming Thursday I will enjoy the company of my friends. I’ll not feel sad if J is not there. I’ll see to it that I am okay. If he will be there I will not expect him to be like before. I will not make the first move to talk. I ‘ll talk, I’ll laugh, and I’ll dance. I’ll let things be. I will be myself. It’s just so sad that things had to be that way. He was such a good friend, and losing him is like losing someone I loved.
