One afternoon while I was doing our inventories in the store.

Her: “Baby, you’re very busy huh.”

Me: “Yup, I hate these links though. I’m not really good with excel links.”

Her: “Baby, my goodness! Habibi (love in Arabic) is there at the cashier!”

Me: “I don’t want to look anymore….that ring bothers me.”

Her: “I’ll look for you okay. Let us wait.”

Me: “So?” (Still not looking in the direction of the cashier)

Her: “Oh my, oh my, he’s looking this way, he’s looking this way!!!”

Me: Smiling quietly.

The store phone rings….I answer.

Her: “Baby, baby, look.”

Me: Busy on the phone talking to Faraj.

Her: “I have to tell you something!”

Me: “What?”

Her: ” Why didn’t you look at him? He was looking at you when you went to answer the phone. I wanted you to see for          yourself !”

Me: “Not today.”

I came with my friend Anne here in Dubai last 2001. We stayed in the same accommodation for 2 months but after learning that she’ll transfer to another emirate she had to transfer house. From then on we updated each other on our lives sometimes through phone and sometimes setting a date to meet in a particular place. We were both working for Starbucks then. We tried not to forget each other. We never did.

There were many things that happened in our lives. There were challenges, tears, surprises, and changes that happened within us. By the time I went home last year she was there also in the Philippines. We met again and shared stories. It was nice to know that someone understood me that time. Someone who knew what really happened to me here. It was the same for her. I knew her life here as well. We were both planning to come back to Dubai as soon as we can. I just never thought she would go without saying goodbye. I tried to contact her by her phone in the Philippines but they said she went to Bahrain to work. I knew she had a good reason why she wasn’t able to say goodbye. It was fine with me.

I’ve been in Dubai for about 6 months now. I made new friends and my life right now is beautiful! I had the surprise of my life last week when I received a call from someone. I wasn’t even thinking of answering it because the number was from Sharjah (another emirate), and I thought it might be my ex who was calling. I answered anyway. It was Anne!!!! My goodness!!!! How did she get my number? She told me the story of how she got my number. She never really knew who that person was but it was a common friend of a friend. Then I realized the only person who had to give my number was Jenny. Jenny is one of my trusted friends in my new work. I totally love her for her wackiness and just being a cowboy in everything. She was like Anne.

Two days ago, we met again. It was a wonderful feeling to find a true friend. I really missed her. She didn’t need to explain what happened before. I guess if God wants you to keep an important person in your life He will make the world smaller for you in order to find that person again. Thanks Anne. Thank you Jenny!!!! Thank God.

I have been thankful for everything that has happened in my life for the past months. It’s been a wonderful experience, and I am so proud of myself! I have learned to look at things differently. I have learned to turn to God in everything. I never thought though that He will give something again that I will not fully understand.

For a month or so, this British guy who comes in our store every Sunday to buy his latte, was fast becoming my inspiration, crush, and a dream! I noticed him one time but I never really put him in my mind like I do now. Not until, one time, I was joking with a friend. You know when you joke and say things like…oh my papa is there!…look! That kind of thing. My friend asked where, and as I was about to point him out he was already looking at us! He’s the one that’s looking at us, I told her. Does he know, my friend asked. I jokingly pouted and told her no!!!! Hellooooooooo!!!! It’s just a day to day crush, nothing more. Well, that’s what I thought.

He buys his lunch in Spinney’s. I see him everyday. Sometimes not. The thing is, he really does look at me. I don’t know why. How could a good looking guy like that stare at me? He’s practically a King Leonidas for heaven’s sake!!!! So one time I looked at him too….he still looked. I even changed the places I stood to really verify if I was the one who he is looking at. He still looked! Then, I asked one of staff to look at him for me so at least someone can see if it’s real or not. It’s real HE IS LOOKING AT ME. Gosh, this is too much for me. If this is the will of God then this is unbelievable.

There’s a hitch though. I was looking at his face all the time I didn’t notice the ring he was wearing. It’s a silver band but not on the wedding finger. He wore it in his middle finger. Does that mean he’s married or not? Dumb me. With that small detail I suddenly froze and decided not to think about it so much. I DON’T WANT TO GET HURT AGAIN. Don’t want to love and waste time in something that will not last. My love is pure, and sincere. Even if he’s a dream guy I wouldn’t take a chance. But how would I? I don’t even bother to know the truth behind that ring. I am too scared to know the reason why he’s looking at me. I am just damn petrified!!!!!

He is still looking. I am trying to hear God’s voice. I had it all back. I realized I still didn’t have that strength to give up and risk again. I have to learn to do that again.

If there is one thing I’m happy with my life right now, it’s the relationship I have with God. For some time I never understood the things He did. I was trying to follow Him but I never really grasped the root of that relationship with Him. Sure, I prayed, I read the Bible but I never felt connected with Him. It’s actually hard to do that especially when He just took away half of your life! It’s not that I question His plan for me. It’s not that I don’t try to go with His flow. It’s the lack of trust I had in Him. I realized. Honestly, one day, after crying over a matter that breaks my heart every time, I told Him, I give up. I’ll let You do your thing. I am just a stubborn human being who doesn’t know where life is taking me! Never felt so lost in my life that day. Never felt so small and so worthless. I was nothing…..again. I slept with my eyes tired from crying.

The next day God gave me an overwhelming answer. Ever since I came here to Dubai I really wanted to work for the Emirates Group. The company who owns Emirates airlines. It’s not easy to apply in that company and it would take forever just for them to notice your on-line application. It’s the same feeling I had when I was wishing to go to La Salle for my university studies. You know, you’re thinking like, I can’t make in that company that would be a dream come true if I was ever hired by Emirates! God has other things in stored for me though.

That day was when, out of no where Emirates group called me..for an interview…..as an airport services agent!!!! My goodness!!!! When God takes everything from you He sure compensates a lot more you can never imagine!!!!! I have been waiting for this moment for 4 years!!! I can’t believe He gave me a chance! So, I took the opportunity, I did my best and thank God everyday for His blessings. With His guidance, strength and a little bit of that sense of humor I got the job. All the hurt in the past was gone, and I believe I am myself again. I’m about to start in Emirates at the end of the month. I am so excited. I am so thankful. And you know deep inside that everything will be okay, and what will happen in the future will be God’s plan for you.

I have never been happy in my life. I have finally understood God. It’s a great feeling to know that someone is guiding you and at the same time has the answers to everything. All we need to do is believe, wait, and follow. Then we will see miracles of life He has set for us. God is good, all the time

They say that there is a time for everything. You will never be prepared to do something unless you really want to do it. For me, I believe, the greatest task is cooking. I have attempted a thousand times to cook but I always end up feeling too lazy to do it. I was not even confident enough on how vegetables should be cut, or how certain spices are mixed with a certain dish. Pathetic, I know. I had to do something fast or my future husband wouldn’t be able to eat anything….except for take-outs and fried stuff.

Last week I had to urge to eat sinigang na baboy. I have missed eating this dish for a while and I know the only way to get the perfect sinigang was to let someone cook for me..or I have to cook it by myself. So, having this confidence about cooking I’ve never had before, I asked my flatmate for the recipe. The recipe she gave was simple to follow. I know I would make this easily. I hope. No one was there while I cooked. I just followed the recipe…..and voila! My sinigang was so nice!!!! It was the sinigang I’m craving for! I was so happy. Maybe for some this might sound weird but for me this is an achievement!

From then on, during my off, I decided to cook a dish. This afternoon I cooked some pork adobo and prepared some graham refrigerator dessert. My cooking went well again, and I even let my flat mates taste my adobo. They loved it! I think I’ve found a new hobby, and I am so glad that finally I am ready to face the kitchen. I am ready to love cooking!!!! Next off I’m planning to cook some chicken tinola and another dessert. Hope it will be good again so my cooking will go on!

I just read the blog of my friend Clare recently about being in the 30’s and viewing life in a different perspective. She was right with so many things, and I have experienced life in the same way. I am 32, living my own life, and just started to love it. There’s a certain freedom to being single,and a way of thinking that makes you live your life wisely. For the first time, after a year of mourning and being scared ,I am smiling inside, I am enjoying everything and every time that life has to offer. I can say I am happy, and no matter what life throws at me I am ready to face it. I never knew that it could be so exciting!!!

Work wise

I have been in my new store for 2 weeks now. There are days when I don’t want to go. Sometimes I don’t feel excited to work. I keep telling myself that I am lucky to even have a job! Just a few months back I was like a loser with no future to look forward to, and now I feel that I am already tired in my job. Why do we not have any contentment in life? When I do feel like this, I remind myself that this is what I wanted. This is what I prayed for in the first place. I have it now, so I should utilize, and cherish it. Anyhow after 18 months I can look for another job!!!! Hahaha. Honestly, I am proud of myself because I have come this far, and it sure made my Mama happy. I think that’s more important than what I want for now.

Of Men and Me

I finally moved on. From my baby, from J, from the prince, and all of the past men. I decided to let God do that part for me. I know we have the privilege to choose who we want to spend the rest of our lives with but it’s better if God lead me to him. Sure, I will date, be friends with guys, and try to enjoy being single. I do want to get married. That’s why I need to know if I’m choosing the right one. I know I don’t have enough capabilities to be able to know if the One is the One, and that’s where God comes in. It seems that when I choose for myself, they turn out that they are not for me. It’s okay. I have a learned a lot!!!!!! I have become stronger and wiser.

It’s funny, I just opened my Friendster and found out that my baby is still viewing me. Tough luck. He said no communication. He said to move on with my life. I did. I am. J is viewing me too. Weird for someone who forgot our friendship. Pathetic for someone who turns out to be weak. I will not turn back again. I know my worth, and I know how I can love. Now, I am thinking of someone who I don’t even know!!!!! I just saw him in Friendster too!!!! But he sure is gorgeous, and he sure looks sweet. I am just dreaming. He’s my inspiration for now.

    Last Saturday while riding the bus to go home I was so down that I wanted to shout and cry at the same time. I don’t know what was really bothering me. Don’t know if the pressure of work is getting to me or because things between J and I are not yet clear. I’ve always reminded myself that I should enjoy what life has to offer me but that certain afternoon I just gave away.

I got home and no one as there. I needed to talk to someone. My first concern was to ask for advice from someone regarding work. Someone who would really understand me. Without any hesitation, I sent a sms to Edward my previous store manager. Told him what I felt and I needed to talk to him. He told me to call but I didn’t have enough credit to do so. He convinced me to come to the store to talk. I wasn’t planning to go there for a while because of J but if I’ll not go this feeling of being down will continue.

While walking, I was wishing that J wouldn’t there. I didn’t want any distractions during this time. My work is important to me and I want to love it as much as possible again. But he was there. I gave everyone a faint smile. Edward knew why I  looked like that, and he immediately went over to talk. He’s a good teacher, and we started getting closer when J was getting distant from me. I was relieved with the things he told me. Pressure is natural. Standing in one corner doesn’t mean you’re not doing anything, you’re actually thinking how everything will work. Then he told me, “Wag mo bigyan ng sakit ng ulo ang sarili mo, sila ang bigyan mo nun.” I realized he was right. It’s not being bossy or mean. It’s just doing their job, and you doing yours. I will run that store according to what I believe is for their protection and mine. I want to prove to myself that I can do this. I believe I can.

After talking, Edward invited me to a night out this coming Thursday with the rest of the staff. That would be a nice way to relax, and not think of my store for sometime. Some of the staff there has become my friends, and I miss them a lot. The dancing would be a good fun too! I haven’t danced for a while, and going to this night out would be exciting.

Since coming to the store and finishing the talk with Edward, J hasn’t said any hi or hello. Not until did Edward told me to say goodbye to everyone that J started to talk to me. I was down already, and seeing him like that made me sadder. I just told Edward, “Di na ko pinapansin yan eh.” If he wants it that way then I’ll let things be. I’m not that kind of person who pushes people to do something they don’t like to do. “Di ko talaga siya maintindihan!!!” I told myself. I saw Edward smiling, and I knew that he understood somehow. I tried to talk to J. I asked him how he is ,and why people are saying that he’s sad. “Okay lang ako, ok lang ako.” was all he said, and never even bother to look at me again. I felt bad, I said goodbye. He didn’t hear me, I left.

This coming Thursday I will enjoy the company of my friends. I’ll not feel sad if J is not there. I’ll see to it that I am okay. If he will be there I will not expect him to be like before. I will not make the first move to talk. I ‘ll talk, I’ll laugh, and I’ll dance. I’ll let things be. I will be myself. It’s just so sad that things had to be that way. He was such a good friend, and losing him is like losing someone I loved.

This is the first relaxing day I’ve had since transferring to my new store. My schedule there was a little crazy, going from ending my day at 1am then going to work at 10 am the same day, and then at 6am the next day. I was having a total of 4 hours sleep per day. Tonight is my first chance to regain all of it. I have to wake up again early tomorrow.

Work is kind of different lately. Handling a store on your own isn’t easy. You have to maintain sales, take care of the staff, maintenance issues, ordering of items, overlooking profit and loss. I admit that it was a constant shock for me at first. I don’t have any experience handling a store by myself. Good thing, I discovered that I have 2 wonderful and dependable supervisors. It made me breathe a little. I don’t want to take care of my store without their consent. After all, teamwork is the key to maintaining a good store. I just need to continue my training though. I’m just preparing for everything until our area manager comes. I have a lot to discuss with him too. Enough of work. This is my time to relax.

So, right now, I am all alone in the flat. I feel lonely for myself but sometimes I enjoy the isolation somehow. I promised not to spend so much time using the computer but if I’ll not do anything I’ll go crazy thinking about J. Ah, yes, J.

Is it bad to think of someone who makes you happy? Is forgetting him right when you know in your heart you can’t? You want to because you know it’s no use anyway. Would God understand what I’m feeling for this person, and not misinterpret that I can care for him and not love him? Crazy thoughts, crazy realizations. Here I am, all alone. Am I pathetic? Not even trying to go out and meet someone else.

I have met someone. He’s my good friend. My colleagues told me that he was sad these past few days. They say I’m the reason. I say, trying to deny everything that I feel, that he misses his girlfriend, he has problems, or haven’t enough sleep. That would be better. That would be right. I miss him terribly. I hope he really does miss me too.

I was enjoying my shift last Friday even though J was still a little distant. I just focused on my work and spent the free time to prepare for inventory the next day. Then, I got the call of my life. I was going to transfer to another store!

I was shocked, scared to death, sad, happy in some way, and relieved. This is the real thing now I told myself. I would be running a store all by myself. I was worried about so many things. I was thinking about my transportation, the staff there, the store, and living my old one.

I can’t do anything. This will be another 360 in my life. I have to accept it, I have to live through it. I will enjoy it I know. I will get used to it I hope. I don’t know if this is a sign that I have to stop thinking about J.

Whatever God’s plan for me I will follow. I know He will lead me to good things. I hope that He knows I’ve fallen in love with J, and maybe because it’s not the right time, this is the only way I can forget him. Who knows?

I am so upset tonight. I can’t explain how irritated I am with you!!!! I feel as though something has changed! Why? Is it because of what other people are saying? We’re friends are we? Then how when I try to come near you go far away? When I try to touch you, you’re just weird? Please tell me if something is wrong.

Because I can not talk to you for awhile. I can be far if you want. I just don’t want our friendship to go to waste just because of this. You’re one of the persons I trust, I can’t lose you now. I am also trying not to love you because I respect you. Please tell me if something is bothering you!!!!

Now, I don’t know if we can be the same as before. I am too scared because you might feel the way I think you’re feeling. Whatever it is I’ll let you be.