Looking At J

It’s funny when people try to push you to like or date someone. For them, it’s like the end of the world when you’re unattached. You’re a lonely person, and your life is boring. Well, that’s what my colleagues think. I understand that they want me to go out there and date. They want me to forget my love of my life, and just enjoy the present. Actually, their first concern is for me to get married and have babies. Being in the 30s and getting pregnant is on the sensitive side already. They say I may have a hard time.

I love their excitement for me to find someone. Now, they’re pairing me up with J. You know, J, my closest friend in our store? It’s crazy but J understands. If only I had a choice then maybe I would like J. People tease us because we’re so so close. They misinterpret J I guess. He’s just sweet and malambing especially with me. We’re comfortable talking to each other about everything and we don’t care what other people think. He’s cool and a good friend. I even miss him if we’re not together in the shift. He even tried to pair me up with his cousin but I declined.

A few days back, he was constantly teased with another girl staff. He was jokingly trying to kiss her on the cheek. I reacted (jokingly, of course) and people misinterpret my reaction. Since then they started teasing us. Honestly, there was a little stab of jealousy! Not the romantic way but in a friend way. It’s like, hey how come you’re getting sweet with her now?!!!! That’s only suppossed to be with me right? Crazy but that’s how I felt.

Tonight, he did the sweetest thing ever. I was doing some inputs in the pc for the inventory. He came over wrapped his arm around my waist and looked at me while I was typing. “Why? I know you care for her now (just kidding with him again), that’s why you wanted to kiss her right?”, I asked. Then he said, “Hey, I’m babying you now right?” Then, he suddenly put his arm down because our store manager came.

I can’t be with J because he has a girlfriend. I am taking my time. Lately, if I try to like someone, I immediately dislike him fast. I don’t know if I’m scared, or if I’m not ready. Whatever it is, I thank J for being there. It gives me hope that a guy like him exists. I can wait for someone like him.

The First Relapse

I woke up this morning feeling something different. For the past few days, I was feeling jolly and alive. I was loving life but this morning was different. It was so consuming that I just wanted to cry it all out. It was my first relapse. I was missing my love of my life again. The bad thing about this is that it may take a few days to get over the relapse. Shit.

I tried to forget him but something is telling me that it wasn’t the end. Or is it just me? I prayed over and over to God. I am constantly listening to Him on what I should do. Yet, all I hear and see is still the same.

This afternoon, the relapse went deeper when I talked to some familiar faces. My old landlord and his wife were looking at our pastry case to check out the sandwiches. The landlord was Indian, and the wife was Filipina. They knew us well. My heart sank, and I started to feel weak when the wife asked, “Where’s your husband?” I gave a faint smile, then she asked where my baby was. “We’re separated.” I said. “What? Is it just like that?” “What to do, yanni?” I told her. Emphazing to her that I did all I could but he was the one who gave up.

Now, can someone tell me if that’s a reminder from God? Is it just coincidence? Does it just happen? Tell me, why other people can trust us as husband and wife? Why didn’t we trusted ourselves instead.

Is It Too Much To Ask?

I deleted the last two entries because it wasn’t just right. There’s somethings wrong with me. I think. I know my reasons are valid enough. It just disappoints me when I discover that person is not what he seems. Maybe I overlooked too. So excited of feeling this thing again that I forgot what I’m really looking for.

I realized that I wasn’t looking for a prince….I was looking for a king. Is that too much to ask? To wish for? I hope not. My fascination with kings started when I watched that 300 movie. I can never forget that scene when the queen gave a firm nod to his king when the Persian messengers were there to threaten their kingdom. I liked the scene so much because even though the king was so strong and powerful, he still considered the decision of the queen. Maybe if you would watch the movie, you’d understand. There’s nothing more appealing to see a man (so manly and sexy) base all his life to the woman he truly loves. A man is not truly one without the woman.

Ah, where would I find such a man? I don’t know. I just think that I deserve better. I’m not considering myself as a good catch but I know myself and the capability I have to love someone. I am true to this subject, I know I am that same queen, and finding that king would take a while.

For Clare

I’m sorry if I keep on following you. Both of us seem to change the pace of life at the same time. I have been very, very, very busy. Sorry. I wanted to write something but had no time. I did have 7 months of vacation there but now I feel like I’m working for 7 months now!

I moved house like you did. I’m getting this internet connection from somewhere. I feel as though God gave me the nicest gift! FREE INTERNET CONNECTION!!!!! At least I don’t have to worry about buying the card. My workplace is just ten minutes from here so I live nearby. I’m busy at work, learning about new things. I’m working again for a coffee shop called Second Cup. It’s a Canadian brand.

So far life here is different yet the same. It gets scary, confusing, and stressful at times. When that kind of feeling sets in I always have to remind myself that this is my second chance here so I don’t have any right to complain. I must focus on my new goals here.

Standing on Quicksand is about my life here. Sure it’s hard to stand on quicksand. Life is just the same. The minute life consumes you then you lose. Sometimes we have to stand firmly on what we want to do and believe even though a lot of things seem to pull us down. Enjoy every minute of life. I am trying. The only thing that’s pulling me down is the person I can’t forget and the same time he’s also the one who lets me stand firm. Awwwwwww.

I’m Finally Home

I’m finally home. Yes, my home where I’ve established my own life. It’s really simple. You choose where you’re happy, what you want to do in life, and of course listen to God’s plan for you. It was scary at first but when everything starts to set in the feeling is unbelievable. After going through some hard times recently, it has been a wonderful journey after all.

We hurt, we lose, we cry, we hope, and through that small hope we have in us we heal, we win, we smile. I guess life is just like that at all. You learn to appreciate what you have, you tend to think thoroughly before making decisions.The thought of not being able to turn back time is enough for us to choose wisely.

Now, I’m smarter, wiser, and stronger to face another new life in this home I’ve chosen. It gets better everyday.

Guys, Gore, and Glory

If you want to watch something new I suggest that you watch 300. What is 300 all about? It’s a story of 300 hundred Spartan soldiers who wanted to protect their land from the evil Persians and their king Xerxes. These Spartan soldiers were lead by their brave (gorgeous) king who was brought up by the Spartan culture that teaches young boys to be warriors at an early age.

The film has some impressing cinematography, special effects, and a nice plot too. It’s actually a guy’s film. Not for kids and old people though. I really liked it. I enjoyed watching the gore that was so beautifully made in some way. Not that I enjoy violence but the film was unique. There were lots of gorgeous guys too. All of them wearing just a brief, a cape , and sandals. All of them showing their perfect abs (which was some airbrushed). Hmmmm. I fell in love with the King of Spartan! He was so damn sexy!!!!

Just imagine a painting but it’s moving. The movie was exactly like that. The movements were like in the Matrix but only involved more blood. I thought it was boring but it wasn’t. It has a cast of some familiar actors and actresses too. It just shows that a free man can do anything, and nothing even the most powerful king from Asia can take it away. 300 is a movie about honor, love, and integrity. Try to watch it.

Welcome To Jollibee!

As a worker in the food and beverage industry, I can’t help it if I check out the service of the restaurants I’ve been to. I like watching the staff, looking at the cleanliness of their stores, and how fast their service is. It’s very easy to spot mistakes if you’ve been in your industry for so many years. I can never or will ever forget what happened 3 days ago.

I was with my new friends last Friday. We went to our agency to clarify about some things regarding payments. We felt that our gay manager was having hidden agendas in order to get more money out of us. We just planned to meet up so we can think of a way to converse with him properly. Most of us were getting pissed because of the delay with our visas. After finalizing the plan, we went to the agency and was able to talk with Bading. It was okay because he explained everything we needed to hear. We didn’t pay him anything though. The agreement was if the visas are there with them then that’s the time we’ll show the money!!!!

Everybody was happy. We went to Glorietta to have some dinner. It was like a celebration because everything was still on schedule. In some way. We chose KFC. As we were entering the store, we were greeted by a cheerful staff who was pushing a cart of goodies. It was really okay until she said. “Hi Sir, Mam Welcome to Jollibee!” All of us looked at each other and said, “What the?” Bryan and Glady’s started laughing while Rowena was making a no-no face. It was so funny that the staff got so embarrassed. Why does she have to do it in front of us? Poor kid. Good thing the management of KFC didn’t hear her. She wasn’t spared though with our constant teasing. It was a nice moment to end the day.

Long Time, No Post

I am happy right now. Finally, our visas are arriving in 2 weeks! I think I might be going back to Dubai by March. Sigh. Smile. I feel like this because even though I waited for so long I was able to do and decide on things before I am able to leave. There were major turning points in my vacation here at home. I have learned a lot of things, and I am proud to say that I am well equipped to face the future of life!

I’m a little busy though. I’m looking for a place for my sister. She’s going back to Manila by March. I have to find the right place for her before I leave. I have to go to my agency to finalize some payments. I just finished taking care of one of my first investments in my life. It was a nice Valentine’s gift really. THANK YOU GOD ALWAYS for the terrific surprises! I’ll tell about that soon. I’m still savouring the feeling!!

I still have to see my cousins and attend the birthday party of my makulit nephew this coming Saturday. I feel like running out of time. I still need to buy some stuff for my trip. I have to write to my Mom about somethings too. Whew! I have to do all of these with my remaining days here. It’s OK…as long as I’m smiling.

Random Thoughts

I am having the worst headache right now. You know that type when one side is aching and you want to puke…sorry vomit at the same time? I think I got this because I didn’t eat on time. I had less sleep too.
I feel very tired even though I’m not doing anything. I really like to stress myself with my brain. As if I can let things happen by using it. I feel older than my actual age, and I’m afraid my body is changing due to it too. I want to rest and relax for real but I still push myself sometimes.
I miss my love of my life but at the same time I’m missing someone else I know for sure I can’t have but has made an impact in my life RIGHT NOW. He likes me but we both know it’s impossible. Zilch. I’m not sure if my love of my life is thinking about me but I’m ready to take chances. Again. Aaaaaaargh!
I want to settle down but I have a lot of things I want to do. I need to buy my own home. I would like to travel to USA and Europe. I would like to help my Mom with her business. I would like a pre-school to run. I would like some kids, a husband like McDreamy, and time to spend with my family while I’m trying to do all these things.
I wonder why some people who have hurt you are able to get and do what they want? I wonder if it’s determination that’s driving them or just plain selfishness. I am trying to understand why some people would want to settle when there is more out there they can never have imagined?
I hope God would understand my dreams, wants, and desires. I hope He wouldn’t get it the wrong way. I hope that He gave me another chance because He can trust me again. I hope He knows that I have learned my lessons and would be careful the next time.
I wish I could leave for work this month. If not, I hope I’ll find the strength to believe that I can fulfill my dreams, and waiting for the right time is for the best.
I feel fine now. My headache is gone! Just needed these thoughts to come out of my system. Thank God.

SSDD

Yup, same shit different day. It’s not that I’m really complaining, maybe, kind of but it’s not the best life not doing anything everyday. I have been on vacation for 7 months now. If I only knew that I’ll have to wait for my new work for 6 months then I could have done something with the time I had. Too late now!!!!! Besides, the problem with applying abroad with an agency is that I don’t know when they will call and tell us we’re leaving. Thank God I have survived so far!

I just miss working and taking care of my own things. Miss making decisions. Miss living my life. I know lot of people envy me right now. I can assure them, it may be nice at first, but as the days pass by it gets boring. You wish you didn’t take a vacation in the first place!

As for the shit, they ain’t that bad though. I wake up late sometimes. I play all kinds of Diner Dash in the computer. I don’t think about bills. I don’t have to take care of anyone. I don’t have to understand everybody at work, and I don’t wait for the end of the month for salary. Just relax, relax, relax.

I guess the best part about experiencing these kind of days is that you get to think, to look back, and to learn. I realized that these days have a purpose in my life. Thoughts run through my mind everyday because I’m not doing anything!!! Like, I really promise that I will never take my job for granted. Never to forget to communicate to family when I’m far. Never to compromise your dreams for somebody (unless he TRULY, MADLY, DEEPLY understands.) and really promise that I will let God handle my problems.

So, it may be same shit different day but it really matters how we look at it. Sometimes we tend to learn and see the best things in the most boring and worst ways. It would be a great feeling too to discover how we choose the right decisions to get through them everyday.